Five Free Mindfulness Practices to Build Self-Compassion

"I need more coping skills to handle _________." This sentence is the one I hear most often when potential clients call my office. Almost every woman I speak with fills in that blank differently. However, the coping skills I offer to them often look the same because some skills are relevant to a variety of difficult life situations. One of the skills I often offer to clients is Mindful Self-Compassion.

This skill is a specific type of mindfulness. If you are unfamiliar with this word, then here is a definition: Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to what is happening around you and within you. It is a proven coping skill to effectively help with stress relief, improve quality of life, become less emotionally reactive, and increase relationship satisfaction. 

If you are looking for a way to get started trying out this practice, then I recommend the FREE Insight Timer app. It offers a variety of guided mindfulness meditations. Did I mention it’s free? 

One of the most popular kinds of mindfulness with researchers and clinicians is Mindful Self-Compassion. Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher and author, explains that many people confuse this practice with self-pity, self-indulgence, or self-esteem. These understandings all miss the point. A better definition of Mindful Self-Compassion is: treating yourselves with kindness during moments of difficulty or suffering. I often recommend this practice to clients because it can increase life satisfaction, as well as decreased depression, anxiety and stress. 

If you are looking for a way to get started with this type of mindfulness practice, then here are a few of my favorite self-compassion meditations that can help you using the Insight Timer App….

Lisa Abramson - Five Minutes of Self-Compassion - 04:15
Kristin Neff - Self-Compassion Break - 05:20
Sharon Salzberg Lovingkindness Meditation · 15:04
Kristin Neff - Working With Emotions in the Body: Soften, Soothe, Allow - 16:01
Kristin Neff - Compassionate Body Scan - 23:55

Any mindful practice you begin to implement will feel new and different. But stay with it and see where it takes you. What I have found with my clients is mindfulness exercises are a great in giving you a new way to handle your "_________."

If you are in Nashville and need more support with handing your "_________" then contact Jessica for a free fifteen-minute phone consultation. 

5 Tips for Busy Women

You’re busy. I get it. Your calendar is full. I get it. You don't have time to add something else. I get it. I know it’s hard work to stay as busy as you do. I am not making light of your busy schedule. But I also know that we often times give busyness permission to drive our lives and we do nothing to stop it. We are so used to a crazy pace that we grow numb to how this way of life is wearing us down.

But you do not have to live this way. A more balanced way of life is possible, but it is going to take some self-reflection and hard work. It is going to take some time and space where you can review your thoughts, feelings, and actions so that you can move forward in a healthy, balanced way.

Here are 5 tips to help you move from a busy to a balanced life.

1. Reorganize your calendar based on balanced priorities.

Open your calendar. Look over the last month. What has fallen through the cracks? What meeting do you keep putting off? Who is the friend you have not seen in a while? Look ahead to the next month and write down now those people, places, and events most important to you. Schedule them in and make them a priority. Begin to create a calendar that gives priority to your health, relationships, personal growth, career, and spirituality. Your balanced life often starts with a balanced calendar.

2. Say "No" to one new opportunity.

"No" is a full sentence, but it is often a hard one to say. Maybe you don't want to hurt someone’s feelings. Maybe the pressure to say "Yes" is stronger than the act of saying "No." So next time someone asks you to add something to your plate try saying, "Let me think about it." Then give yourself some time to reflect to see if it is the right choice for you at this time. You do have to say "Yes" to anything you do not want to do. By saying “No” you will find greater balance in your day-to-day life.  

3. Learn your self-care red flags.

When we get busy we often have coping mechanisms to endure the crazy pace. There are often signs we are getting overwhelmed if we will stop to notice them. So take some time to ask: what are the behaviors or patterns that show up when you are burned out or tired? Maybe for you it is overeating or drinking more than usual. Maybe it is binge-watching Netflix for the entire weekend. Maybe it is staying up too late or avoiding work tasks. Pay attention to your red flags so that you can know when to respond to yourself with care. When you do, then you will begin to move towards balance.

4. Begin a gratitude journal in the morning or evening.

You are a busy woman. Creating time and space for self-reflection is hard to fit in. But adding a morning or nightly practice of writing in a journal can help your busy spirit. It will not take long. Just take a few moments as your day begins or ends to write where you found joy in that day or the previous one. This exercise has a way of calming down our busyness by helping us to see the blessings in our life.

5. Ask for help.

Name the people in your life that you can ask for help. Can you ask for help with one of the things that is falling through the cracks of your calendar? Can a loved one meet you for coffee or help you finish a large project at your house? Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength because it shows you know your limits. Reflect on who you want or need to help you in this busy season of life. Leaning on them for a season may be the key to helping you have a more balanced life.

If you would like to talk more about moving from busy to balanced living, then feel free to contact me for a 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be a good fit for you.

How to Find The Right Fit with Nashville Therapist or Counselor

Last week I covered four ways to find a therapist, counselor, or life coach in Nashville. This week I want to help you discern which of these helping professionals will best be able to support you in your journey towards health.

There are two reasons why you should take time to reflect on this relationship. First, a good connection between the counselor and client is a proven predictor of good therapy outcomes. When you trust your therapist and feel comfortable with him or her then you are more likely to move towards your goals. This therapeutic alliance is a strong indicator of the potential success of your journey. You should not make this decision without giving it some thought and attention.

In addition, if you find yourself with a therapist or counselor that is not a good fit, then you are more likely to become discouraged and possibly quit therapy altogether.  The process of researching counselors, scheduling an appointment, and being vulnerable with a stranger is a brave and emotionally taxing experience. If you don't connect with the therapist in the first 50 minutes of a session then you may not want to work up the courage to try again with them or anyone else.

To help you in this discernment process I reached out to a handful of trusted Nashville counselors, social workers, and pre-licensed professionals for their wisdom. I asked them to share their perspective on how to know if you have a good therapeutic alliance. Here is what they had to say: 

"I'd say one of the biggest signs you've found the right fit is if you leave therapy each time feeling BOTH accepted/supported AND challenged. These are not mutually exclusive! It's also a great sign if, after a few sessions, you think "wow, I can't believe he/she just gets me so well after only knowing me for such a short period of time". - Jonathan Durham 

“One of the most helpful parts of therapy is the therapist/client relationship. You can usually tell when you have found a good therapist if you feel safe enough to open up. A good therapist also knows how to ask questions that encourage you to go deeper and help look at problems from a different angle. A lot of therapists offer free phone consultations which can be a great way to get a better feel for a potential therapist.” - Andrew Smith

"Investing in therapy is really investing in yourself, so it's important to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with. Since you will be sharing personal information with this person, think about the type of person you typically connect with and the qualities you look for in a friend. This will help you to narrow down what you're looking for. Pay attention to the qualities of the people you trust who challenge you and push you to be your best self, as these are qualities you likely want to look for in a therapist. Ultimately, once you meet a potential therapist, you will be able to feel whether it's a good match or not. If it's not, keep looking, you'll find someone!" - Maggie Hope

"Do they have something to offer you? Do you feel hopeful about the work you can do with this therapist?  To address this, you might ask questions about their modalities, training, experience, etc.  Finding a good therapist is about more than just “connecting” with someone.  I’ve personally done great work (as a client and a therapist) with people that I didn’t feel all warm and fuzzy with. I also think it’s important to find someone that is open and inviting of feedback around progress/how you’re experiencing the therapeutic relationship.  Make sure that you feel like you can honestly express how therapy is going so that you can get the most out of your experience.  Therapists should be proactive about making sure treatment is working: are we meeting your goals?  Are you getting better?  How is this working?  How are you experiencing me?  What is most and least helpful about our work together?  And you should feel safe enough to answer these questions honestly. Lastly, don’t stay with a therapist that isn’t a good fit!  Don’t give up too soon, but don’t stay in a therapeutic relationship that isn’t helping you meet your goals, grow, heal, change. " - Elizabeth Nunley 

"The relationship is primary, so it needs to be someone you feel comfortable with. The approach/technique is secondary. If you don't feel comfortable then nothing they do will be likely to help. If you get 2-3 (or more) sessions in and feel that it's just not going anywhere, then it's time to find a different therapist. Don't give up on therapy just because the first person you work with doesn't work out. The majority of therapist will absolutely understand this (and are probably aware that things aren't progressing too) and will even help you with a referral if you want."  - Jay Tift

"There are a few things that I have seen work in helping clients find the right therapeutic fit for them. First, its about a mutual invested relationship. Both individuals (client & therapist) will collaborate in therapy together. In this process it is important to feel seen, validated and heard as therapy continues. Second, feeling a level of safety is key. One must be able to trust in order to share the deepest parts of oneself. Third, they are growing. Change is actually happening. It may not look like they though but it is happening.  In closing, its a brave move to pursue counseling. At times it feels uncomfortable, silly and scary to seek out a professional to sort through life challenges. Once you feel heard, seen, safe and see growth I believe you have found the right fit. Go for it. Your heart will thank you." - Meg Kandros

Hopefully one of these pieces of perspective can help you in discerning if your therapist is a good fit for you. Remember, if you do not connect well with your counselor it is okay to give it some time to see if the alliance grows over a few sessions. If you do not feel like the connection is improving, then it is okay to ask your therapist to refer you to a colleague that is a better fit for you. You deserve a therapist that is a good fit for you.

Each of the clinicians quoted above practice in Nashville and might be a great fit to help you meet your goals. If you have checked out my website and think that I might be a good fit for your journey towards health, then feel free to contact me at Jessica@JessicaMcCoyCounseling.com.