Five Ways To Simplify

At the start of 2016, you may be searching for a new way to make your life easier. Many people often look for a fast and easy way to have a better life. Often they buy into the myth that if they just add one more thing then everything will be great. You hear it on the television and radio. If you just buy this product then you will be more _______________ (beautiful, wanted, successful…). That’s a loud voice in our world.

But I want to offer you another voice today. The thing you are looking for may not be found in adding more things to your life. Instead, the thing you might need most in 2016 is the very opposite. You may need to simplify.

To simplify means to make something easier to do or understand. Simplifying is a practice. It’s a habit that you have to learn over time because removing things is never easier. For that reason the act of simplifying may seem strange, but many people are trying it anyway. And what they are finding is that by decreasing clutter in their lives then they are inviting greater calm into their lives.

Here are five ways to practice simplicity:

Mari Kondo's The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up:

This book has become a viral sensation.  It is a #1 New York Times bestseller and has inspired thousands of people to re-evaluate (or evaluate for the first time) how they organize, tidy, or let go of possessions.  Kondo walks readers through the process of determining what needs to stay and what needs to go. The question that resonated with me was “does this spark joy?” If it does, keep it. If it doesn’t, then pass it along to someone else.

Wardrobe Capsule –

To create a wardrobe capsule you need to determine how many items of clothing you actually need to create your entire wardrobe. Yes, I said, “Actually need.” The goal is to clean out your closet and have a limited number of clothing choices. Check out Pinterest for ideas.

A wardrobe capsule also helps combat Decision Fatigue. Science has shown that people can only make a certain amount of decisions in a day before it begins to wear them down completely. Choosing your outfit, breakfast, and what podcast to listen to are just a few of the decisions that build up through an ordinary day. Using a wardrobe capsule is one easy way to lower the number of decisions you make and give your brain some rest.  

Season of "No" –

For many people, the idea of saying no makes them very uncomfortable. There is guilt or fear tied to “what if they think I am selfish?” Or we might even experience a small case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). But we have to remember something essential: saying yes to something means saying no to something else.

So if you say “yes” to being on the neighborhood HOA, then you may miss a birthday dinner for your friend. If you say “yes” to a weekend away with your girlfriends, then you may have to say “no” to a family event that same weekend.

Establishing a season of no allows you to determine a period of time when you say “no” to anything extra that comes your way. You decide the boundaries of this season and what it does and does not include. A season of no allows you to simplify your schedule and say “yes” to being present in other surprising ways.

Create a budget –

Money makes the world go round, but it also helps you make choices. Creating a budget allows you to have an informed “yes” or “no” to new purchases or expenses. Unless you love working with numbers, budgeting may be a hard task for you. But it empowers you to be able to take a realistic view of your life and your income.

Create space for margin-

Margin is intentionally “blank space” in your life. Cultivating a schedule with margin allows you to move from a packed calendar to a more balanced life. Maybe this means Saturday morning’s schedule is empty. Maybe it means Tuesday and Thursday evenings are yours to spend however you wish. For some, the spiritual practice of Sabbath creates space for such margin. It is a practice intended to slow your life down because you have faith that someone else is in control. 

Each of the above tools is intended to move you towards a healthier way of life. Pick one and see what it does for your next week, month, or even year. If you would like to talk with someone more in depth about how to simplify in your own life, then please contact Jessica today. I am happy to talk with you about possibilities for you to have a healthier 2016.  

Five Ways to Connect with Your Child During Advent

Every year Christians of various traditions celebrate a season called Advent. Advent occurs during the weeks leading up to Christmas day and comes from a word that means "arrival." This season is a time when Christians look back and remember the arrival of Jesus on the earth in the form of a baby. They also look forward in hope trusting that Jesus will one day arrive again. In the meantime, we wait for this arrival. 

If you are like me, then you are not good at waiting. When I have to wait, I get restless and distracted. I can even get impatient. But I am learning that waiting can also be good for me. When I have to wait, I am forced to remember and reflect on what is most important. Waiting creates space for me to connect to God and to those around me. 

For that reason, I want to encourage you in this season of waiting to intentionally connect with those around you. Specifically, allow Advent to be a time when you are fully present with your children. Create space and time to strengthen the bonds with your family. Making time to connect with your family is often hard during the busy holiday season, but maybe being present with your family is the best present you can give. Here are 5 ideas of how you can connect with you children during Advent. 

1. Share with your children the stories of their births/adoptions. 

Birth stories are powerful stories because they begin to answer the question of “Who am I?” These stories help form their identities. They begin to create the narratives your children will continue to write for the rest of their life. They need to hear you tell their story. 

One of the beautiful parts of the birth story of Jesus is that it wasn’t a perfect story. His story had highs, lows, hopes, and fears. Can you imagine Mary sitting him down and telling him about the time they had to run from authorities just to keep him alive? Can you imagine how that one story might have given him strength when the authorities were after him later in life? 

One of the beautiful parts of the birth story of your child is that it wasn't perfect either. His or her story also had highs, lows, hopes, and fears. You may be tempted to skip over the hard parts because that feels kinder when telling your child his or her story. But there is power in not glossing over those difficult moments. Recounting the lows gives your child a chance to connect to you by helping them acknowledge that life can be hard. You are acknowledging that we can do the hard parts together. Can you imagine the power of telling your child how scared you were when the doctors took him to the NICU, but then how proud you were of him for being so strong when you were able to take him home? Can you imagine how that one story might give them a new confidence to be resilient later in life? 

Help your child to see that life contains hard moments, but that you still love them no matter what. Let them know that you were nervous because you had never had a baby before, but then you and Dad got the hang of it. Or share that you were so excited to adopt her, but you were afraid that the 8-hour plane flight home would be scary for her. These stories will connect you to your child in powerful ways.

Healthy connection is loving someone through the highs and the lows. Give your child the gift of knowing that you waited for them. Give them the gift of letting them know you still love them no matter what. They will not forget these stories. 

Connection Tip: Look for times when you were able to meet your child’s needs and share those moments with your child. “You had a tough time falling asleep, but then I figured out that you liked to sleep swaddled in a blanket. You slept so much better after that.” You are sharing that you are able to tune into what your child needs and then provide exactly what is needed.  

Connection Tip: When you bring up the harder moments of your child's birth story or adoption, do not label your child's behavior as negative. "You were such a crier" does not foster strong connection and negatively shapes your child's view of self. Instead, reflect on what was hard, but share it with empathy and compassion. "The first couple of days were tough because you kept crying, but then the doctor explained that you had reflux. Then we changed what you ate and in a couple days you felt better." 

2. Use the Advent calendar for connection activities

There are lots of ways to celebrate the weeks leading up to December 25th. One great way is to look for opportunities to regularly connect with your kids. 

This list of activities gives a few ideas about how you might create playful times of connection for your family. Click here for your free Advent printable. 

Connection Tip: Don't think you have to do every idea. Look over this list and use the activities that you know would be a good fit for your family. If you cannot do something every day, then at least try to find a way to make your connection times regular.  

3. Share an Advent reading series with your children

Reading with children is an incredible way to connect with them. If you don't have a children's Bible then I highly recommend the Jesus Storybook Bible. Make daily reading time with your child a routine and ritual to create a rhythm of connection for your family. 

Connection Tip: A consistent nightly routine provides children with a felt sense of safety. There will be times that require flexibility, but when children experience a predictable routine they know the "cues" that it is time to go to sleep. 

4. Practice noticing curiosity with your children

Help them to ask questions and strengthen their own curiosity. There are a lot of questions you can ask; but also notice when they ask a question and engage the question. For example, you might read the story of Jesus' birth and ask them what they think it was like for Mary and Joseph to wait for Jesus. Ask them: what is it like to wait for something that is exciting?

Or when they ask you about the barn where Jesus was born, then engage them. Follow up with questions about what it might have smelled like, sounded like, or even felt like? This activity allows your children to begin to ask their own questions about faith and to do so alongside their parents in a connected way.

Connection Tip: As a parent, use your own curiosity to better understand your child's behavior. Ask curious questions about your child's behavior instead of assuming motives. Instead of "you are just trying to get into trouble" try asking, "I am curious to know why you made that choice." Being curious allows you to connect first and get a glimpse of your child's world. 

5. Write your family’s story

There are multiple accounts of the birth of Jesus and his family’s story. One of my favorite children's books on the genealogy (or family tree) of Jesus is by Andrew Peterson. After reading those, then take time as a family to write down your own.  Connect through sharing stories about grandparents, aunts, and uncles to create your own family’s story. Family narratives help shape a child's identity, like birth stories, by giving a child a glimpse of his or her heritage. You might even think about creating a video to share them with extended family members. 

Connection Tip: Modeling healthy connections with extended family members helps children to see that there are other safe adults to connect with outside of their parents. They begin to see they have a strong support system. 

Connecting Through Advent

May this season of Advent be a blessing to your family. Being fully present with your family during the holiday season is a gift that no one else can give your family. If you are still feeling stuck or disconnected with your children, then feel free to send me an email at Jessica@JessicaMcCoyCounseling.com and we can schedule your free 15-phone consultation. 

Self-Care Saturday: Settling The Sounds

Every day is full of noise. Your television, the radio, your conversations, and nature only begin to fill our ears with everyday sounds. While all of those sounds may fill your life with positives experiences, more and more people are looking for countercultural quiet spaces. This week’s experiments help cultivate quiet spaces where you can truly let go of the noises that fill your life. 

These two self-care concepts work together and are considered important spiritual practices.  Solitude is about making space. Silence is about getting quiet. When you enter into times of solitude and silence you do so with hope and trust that God will speak, convict, and change us.  Solitude and silence may seem daunting or strange for some of you. These practices are difficult for many people as they begin to practice them. Do not feel pressure to get solitude and silence “right.” It is a practice and not meant to be something that you do perfectly. 

Ruth Haley Barton paints a beautiful image of what solitude and silence can look and feel like. She describes one way to think of this time is to imagine a mason jar filled with sand and water. When you shake a mason jar there is a blurry mix of elements making it impossible to see clearly. It is only when you set down the jar and let the sand settle that you are able to see with clarity. 

Solitude and silence serve a similar function. This time is about getting alone with God, letting the various elements of our lives settle, so that you can see and hear God more clearly. This time is a precious gift because we rarely take the initiative to stop, settle, and listen for God. 

Where in your week can you practice solitude and silence? Cutting the grass? Driving to work? In the morning before the rest of your household wakes up? It is amazing to think what you may see if the “sand” of your life settled and you were able to see your life more clearly. 

If you are are looking for someone to discuss your connection to self, others, and God then call me at (615) 979-4167 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I’m happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to a person right for you.