Stop. Collaborate. And Listen.

Are you feeling stuck? Are you hitting road blocks and cannot seem to move forward?

Is it time to “Stop. Collaborate. And Listen?” (Yes, I did link a Vanilla Ice on a professional blog, but look at how many view it has).

s t o p:

Name the problem. What it is contributing to the issue? What do you need? What systems feed the problem? How is the issue impacting your life?

c o l l a b o r a t e:

Maybe you don’t know everything? Maybe?

This question is difficult for most of us, especially if your mind runs fast and leans towards anxiety. You have *already* thought of every possible solution/failure/vulnerability.

Your brain is trying to protect you from feeling unsafe, BUT you may be missing something. Someone else may see it differently. Maybe you don’t know everything and that is a good thing. Because what you can create through collaboration will be even better than what you could have made on your own.

Collaborating with friends, family, co-workers, your therapist, or your kid could help you create something beautiful.

l i s t e n:
Really listen to them. Hear them out. Ask questions. They really might know something about the issue at hand that you don’t know or create insight for both of you.

Lastly, pay attention to how working together and collaborating feels in your body. What does it physically feel like to share the burden with someone? Check in with your thoughts. Does it feel safer to have someone on your team helping you solve the problem? Really listen to your mind, body, and emotions as you collaborate.

You and _______________ (your collaboration partner) have got this.

Self-Care Saturday: The Power of "Good for You."

At the end of 2014 I had a variety of encounters where I walked away feeling shame. 

Shame is the emotion connected to the thought “I am not enough.” 

The gist of these encounters: 

Friend: “Here is this great* thing I am doing.” 

Me: Spiraling inside because I am not doing that great* thing. (Insert shame here). 

After a handful of these encounters, I took a long look at why I was reacting this way. I realized the feeling happened when conversations steered towards areas of my life where I already felt “not enough.” Their sharing only triggered my shame. 

I believe that most of these people were not intentionally trying to make me feel inadequate, though I am sure some were. Regardless, what I realized is this: I am not in control of their intentions, but I am in control of my reactions. 

And this was the moment I realized the power of “good for you.” 

“Good for you” is my new response to these encounters. The phrase reminds me that when people share a great* new thing for their life, it may not be a great* new thing for my life. “Good for you” is a step in helping me to resist the shame in my own life while at the same time changing my attitude towards the other person.

The gist of these new encounters:

Friend: “We switched out all refined sugar, gluten, and dairy. I feel amazing.” 

You: “Good for you.” (Instead of questioning your last caloric intake, you cheerlead a friend who feels amazing). 

Friend: “We are using cloth diapers because it is so good for the environment and our budget.”

You: “Good for you.” (Instead of a shame spiral about your bank account dwindling due to Huggies or because the idea of cloth diapers makes you gag). 

Mother-in-law: “You know, our daughter potty-trained both Sally and John in a weekend.” 

You: “Good for her.” (Sure your blood pressure may rise, but it was great for your sister-in-law to potty train in a weekend. But potty training is hard and maybe this will help shake off the resentment towards your in-laws). 

Saying “good for you” helps me pivot away from a shame spiral. Instead, the response helps me to draw a boundary. I can protect myself from spinning questions in my head wondering if their great* thing should be great for me. I can better support my friends and the new things they are trying.  

Saying “good for you” is both good for them and good for me. 

*Great for her does not mean it has to be great for you.