Self-Care Saturday: The Power of "Good for You."

At the end of 2014 I had a variety of encounters where I walked away feeling shame. 

Shame is the emotion connected to the thought “I am not enough.” 

The gist of these encounters: 

Friend: “Here is this great* thing I am doing.” 

Me: Spiraling inside because I am not doing that great* thing. (Insert shame here). 

After a handful of these encounters, I took a long look at why I was reacting this way. I realized the feeling happened when conversations steered towards areas of my life where I already felt “not enough.” Their sharing only triggered my shame. 

I believe that most of these people were not intentionally trying to make me feel inadequate, though I am sure some were. Regardless, what I realized is this: I am not in control of their intentions, but I am in control of my reactions. 

And this was the moment I realized the power of “good for you.” 

“Good for you” is my new response to these encounters. The phrase reminds me that when people share a great* new thing for their life, it may not be a great* new thing for my life. “Good for you” is a step in helping me to resist the shame in my own life while at the same time changing my attitude towards the other person.

The gist of these new encounters:

Friend: “We switched out all refined sugar, gluten, and dairy. I feel amazing.” 

You: “Good for you.” (Instead of questioning your last caloric intake, you cheerlead a friend who feels amazing). 

Friend: “We are using cloth diapers because it is so good for the environment and our budget.”

You: “Good for you.” (Instead of a shame spiral about your bank account dwindling due to Huggies or because the idea of cloth diapers makes you gag). 

Mother-in-law: “You know, our daughter potty-trained both Sally and John in a weekend.” 

You: “Good for her.” (Sure your blood pressure may rise, but it was great for your sister-in-law to potty train in a weekend. But potty training is hard and maybe this will help shake off the resentment towards your in-laws). 

Saying “good for you” helps me pivot away from a shame spiral. Instead, the response helps me to draw a boundary. I can protect myself from spinning questions in my head wondering if their great* thing should be great for me. I can better support my friends and the new things they are trying.  

Saying “good for you” is both good for them and good for me. 

*Great for her does not mean it has to be great for you. 

Three Ways to Navigate Life's Transitions

Transitions happen. Life changes. Some changes are planned and some are surprises. Some are joyful and some are stressful. Graduating, starting a new job, and moving are just a few of life's major transitions. 

Every transition is full of emotions. Take moving houses. Your emotional response may span from excitement (you found the perfect new house) to grief (your child took her first step in your old house).  It is hard to make all decisions needed when moving while you are swaying between excitement and grief. 

I have been there. In the last 11 years, I moved in and out of Lipscomb's dorm rooms, apartments, and houses on an average of once a year. Each move was full of joy, sadness, and worry. No matter how many times I moved I was still stressed about finding a new home, packing, and unpacking.  (Life Hack: sometimes it is okay to move your clothes in trash bags.) Transitions need a lot of flexibility to navigate through the changes. 

Currently, I am navigating my own transition in moving my office to another space. Moving my practice is a professional change, but affected my personal life. Finding a new space, packing, and unpacking requires a lot of emotional energy, flexibility, and hard decisions. What a relief it was to find a great space close to my office in Nashville. 

HERE ARE SOME CONCEPTS TO REMEMBER WHEN MAKING A LIFE TRANSITION.

• Be aware of your emotions. 

View fullsize

How do you feel about this transition? Are you feeling excited, afraid, sad, grief, disappointment, anger, or joyful? After naming the emotion, be curious about how that emotion is impacting your thoughts or your behavior. For example, “Is my disappointment about not getting my dream job affecting my behavior in my marriage?” 

• Be flexible. 

Determine what matters the most to you and make those nonnegotiable.Next, question how would you feel being flexible with your other ideas. For example, “I need to have adequate parking for my new office space, but how would I feel in an office with no window?"  Try it out and see what feels right to you. 

• Be compassionate with yourself. 

Transitions are hard enough without being hard on yourself. In the moments when you are feeling overwhelmed take four deep breaths and practice self-compassion. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion break is a helpful tool. Here is an example to say to yourself, “This is stress. Other people feel this way during a transition. May I be kind to myself.”

Those are just a few ways to navigate life's transition. Check out more information about my new Nashville counseling office, here.   If you are in the middle of a transition and need help processing the change, call to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. 

These are a few of my favorite things. August Edition

One of my passions is self-care. Deeping my practice, I am focusing on my holistic self-care, which means caring for myself in physical, spiritual, emotional, and relational ways. Here are reflections on my top five favorite practices and items that are bringing me joy and gratitude this month. 

BirdTalker – If you live in Nashville then you have a friend or two in a band. Here are some of my friends playing a song that has been on repeat at my house. 

Plan to Eat – Meal planning is one of my personal goals for this year. In trying to save money and time at the grocery store, I purchased a subscription to PlanToEat.com.  Let's be real. This saves me from either going to the grocery store multiple times a week or driving through Chick-fil-a more than any person should. They offer a one-month free trial, but you have to add your recipes into your account. In the long run, I am hopeful that this will save me time, money, AND calories. (This is not an advertisement, but something I have found personally useful.) 

No-Bake Energy Bites  – These are game changers. Game changers.  They are great for breakfast, snacks, and dessert. Since I started meal planning, I added these to my rotation. Make them once and eat them throughout the week. They are great to have on hand for the mornings when you are running late. Compared to cereal, they are also much easier and safer to eat during your morning commute. Check out the recipe at Redefined Mom. 

Rising Strong – Brené Brown is one of my favorite authors and speakers. Her work influences my clinical work and my personal life. Last weekend, I was able to attend her book launch, hear her speak, and meet her while she was on tour in Nashville. It was an incredible experience and I have already begun reading her latest book, Rising Strong. Brown shares, "when we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending." 

Fitbit Flex – Last year, I was given a Fitbit and I wore it for a full day. This year, I reviewed my practice of self-care and one of my goals was to increase physical activity. Using my Fitbit as a tool to challenge me as well as track my level of activity has become a part of my daily self-care routine.  Fitbit tip: For the first week, begin every day asking "how can I do more steps than yesterday?" Then try to find life-giving ways to reach 10,000 steps a day. 

What are some of your favorite things in your life? What practices or items are bringing you joy? Do you have any highlights from August?